I Miss Who I Was And That’s Okay: Understanding the Emotional Shift of Motherhood
There’s a quiet truth in motherhood that many of us carry, but few of us say out loud:
“I love my baby, but I miss who I used to be.”
If you’ve ever felt this tug-of-war between who you were and who you're becoming, you're not alone and you’re not broken. You’re in the midst of something powerful. Something rarely talked about, yet universally felt among mothers.
It’s called matrescence - the process of becoming a mother.
What Is Matrescence?
Matrescence (pronounced ma-TRESS-ence) is a term first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s, and more recently brought into the spotlight by Dr. Aurelie Athan, a reproductive psychologist at Columbia University.
It describes the complete transformation, physical, psychological, hormonal, social, and emotional, that happens when a woman becomes a mother. It’s not just giving birth to a baby. It’s also the birth of a new version of you.
Similar to adolescence, matrescence is messy, beautiful, confusing, and deeply personal. Yet, unlike adolescence, we aren’t always prepared for it. No one throws you a matrescence shower. There’s no roadmap, no pep talks, no normalizing the complex identity shift that happens behind the sweet baby photos.
The Identity Shift No One Talks About
In the early days of motherhood, it’s common to look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself. Not just physically (although that’s part of it) but emotionally and mentally, too.
You might wonder:
Where did my passions go?
Why do I feel disconnected from my friends?
How do I bring me back into this new life?
These aren’t selfish questions. They’re human ones.
So often, society pushes the narrative that a “good mom” should feel completely fulfilled by motherhood alone. But the truth is, many women silently grieve the life they left behind not because they regret becoming a mom, but because identity doesn’t change overnight. It evolves. And it takes time.
What the Research Really Says About Matrescence
For so long, the emotional rollercoaster of new motherhood has been misunderstood or dismissed as “baby blues” or simply part of the package. But neuroscience and psychology are catching up to what mothers have known all along: this is more than a phase. It’s a transformation.
Your Brain Literally Changes
One of the most fascinating discoveries in maternal neuroscience came from a 2017 study published in Nature Neuroscience by Dr. Elseline Hoekzema and colleagues. Using MRI scans, they followed women before and after their first pregnancies and found lasting structural changes in the brain.
Grey matter volume decreased in specific areas tied to social cognition and empathy, a pruning process believed to make the brain more efficient for motherhood.
These changes were so distinct that researchers could tell from brain scans whether a woman had been pregnant.
The changes remained two years postpartum, suggesting this isn’t a temporary shift, it’s a long-term neurobiological adaptation.
In essence, the maternal brain becomes finely tuned to a child’s needs. You may find yourself more emotionally sensitive, more alert to risks, and more deeply bonded. But these same changes can also make you feel overstimulated, emotionally raw, or even like a stranger to yourself.
Hormones Are Rewriting Your Emotional Landscape
From pregnancy through postpartum, your body is a chemical symphony.
Estrogen and progesterone levels skyrocket during pregnancy, then plummet dramatically after birth, creating hormonal turbulence similar to puberty.
At the same time, hormones like oxytocin (the “love hormone”) surge during bonding moments, enhancing attachment but also increasing emotional intensity.
These hormonal shifts are linked to increased vulnerability to postpartum mood disorders, including anxiety, depression, and rage, conditions that are often underdiagnosed or misunderstood.
The term matrescence helps us understand these changes not as pathology, but as a natural, though often disorienting, process of becoming.
Psychological Shifts: Identity, Loss, and Growth
Dr. Aurelie Athan at Columbia University is one of the leading voices in the study of matrescence. Her work reframes the experience of motherhood not as a single moment of transition, but a lifelong developmental arc, much like adolescence.
According to Athan, matrescence is characterized by:
Identity disruption - a feeling of being “split” between your old self and new self.
Role renegotiation - reevaluating your relationships, career, priorities, and self-worth.
Psychological integration - slowly building a new sense of self that includes, but isn’t limited to, being a mother.
This perspective validates the common yet unspoken question so many moms have:
“If I’m not who I used to be, and I don’t fully feel like who I am now… who am I?”
Support Makes All the Difference
Here’s where it gets hopeful: research shows that when mothers feel seen, supported, and educated about this identity shift, outcomes improve across the board.
A study in the Journal of Affective Disorders (2021) found that mothers who received emotional and psychological support during the postpartum period reported lower levels of depression and anxiety.
Social support and maternal self-care are also linked to stronger bonding with baby, greater confidence in parenting, and even improved infant development.
The takeaway? You’re not just “getting through” a hard phase, you’re undergoing a profound transformation. And with awareness and community, you don’t have to do it alone.
So, How Do You Grow Through Matrescence?
You grow by giving yourself permission to change.
Here are a few gentle reminders for the journey:
You’re allowed to mourn your old self.
Missing your freedom, spontaneity, or former identity doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means you’re human.Your new self is still you - just growing.
Motherhood doesn’t erase who you were. It layers on a new depth, a new strength, and a new way of being.Community matters.
Talk to other moms. Share the hard parts. Let yourself be seen in the in-between.Prioritize space for you.
Whether it’s journaling, therapy, solo walks, or creative projects, keep something that’s yours.
Growing Together
At Growing Together: Mind, Body, and Baby, I believe in honoring the full journey, the joy, the overwhelming moments, and the transformation that happens for both mother and baby. You are not alone in this. You are growing too.
Let’s start saying it out loud:
“I love my baby, and I miss myself, and both can be true.”